Out of Whack Epilogue

Six Months Later

 

“Nut Swamp Lane?” Darcy looked at the street sign, nearly obscured by vivid green pine trees. “You grew up on Nut Swamp Lane?”

 

“Sure did.” Tess turned and gave her a smile. “I used to love having to give my address to people. I could tell how cool someone was by how they reacted.”

 

 

“Oh-oh. How’d I do?”

 

“I see a grin, so you pass.”

 

They’d been driving for a very long time, going deeper and deeper into what seemed to Darcy like a forest, but which Tess insisted was just woods. Finally, twenty minutes after seeing the last car pass by, Tess pulled into an almost hidden drive. After moving down another long, tree-stuffed lane, they finally broke through into a big clearing. “What kind of house is that? It’s too warm here for igloos.”

 

“It’s a dome, you silly girl. A geodesic dome. It leaks like a sieve, but don’t mention that. It was good enough for Buckminster Fuller, and it’s good enough for us.”

 

When the car stopped, Darcy got out and grinned when a woman who could have played Tess at sixty scampered from the house and ran down the steps. “You’d better not have any plans, because I’m going to hug you until the minute you leave,” she said as she enfolded Tess in her embrace.

 

“Hi, Mom,” Tess said, her voice muffled by her mother’s body. “Wanna meet Darcy?”

 

“Get over here right now.” An arm swept a wide arc and Darcy was beckoned to enter the hug. Tentatively, she did, smelling something sweet and spicy when the arm wrapped around her. Cinnamon? Nutmeg? Definitely sugar. Then lips kissed her cheek. “Welcome to the family, Darcy. We’re very glad to have you.”

 

“Thanks,” she said, itching to move. Long hugs with people she’d just met weren’t her favorite things. “I’m very glad to be here.”

 

Finally, the hug ended. It was drizzling, but the clouds were high, letting a surprising amount of light shine through. That diffuse light caught Tess’s mom’s face, showing smooth, unlined skin and beautiful, twinkling blue eyes. It was like getting a sneak peek at a future she was very happy to face. “I’m Blossom.”

 

“It’s very good to meet you,” Darcy said. “I wish it could have been sooner.”

 

“So do I.” Blossom put her arm around Tess. “But all things happen in their proper time. This is when we were supposed to meet.”

 

Darcy shot a quick glance Tess’s way, but got nothing in return. She was obviously used to her mom’s view of time.

 

“Is Dad home yet?” Tess asked as they took their bags from the rental car.

 

“No, he’s way out today. But he’ll be along. He knows you’re coming, so he’ll hurry as best he can.”

 

Darcy hefted the biggest suitcase, and she followed along the wet, slightly slippery path to the front door. “Just leave your shoes right there,” Blossom said. Darcy followed along, removing her shoes before entering. The house was unique, for sure. A tall space that sloped down to a couple of feet at the edge, with funny, hexagonal windows spaced every few feet across the tallest part of the dome. The windows let in all the light the gray day would give up, and Darcy imagined it would be glowing on a sunny afternoon.

 

Other than a few six foot tall partitions, the space was completely open. “Apple pie?” Darcy asked, now recognizing the scent.

 

“One of mom’s specialties,” Tess agreed, once again putting her arm around her mother. “I’ve never seen Darcy eat a piece of pie,” she added. “But she’s so polite I bet she’ll gobble one right down.”

 

“I love pie,” Darcy objected. She didn’t add that it had been years since she’d eaten a piece. “I’m looking forward to having a piece…or two,” she said, playfully narrowing her eyes at Tess.

 

“Come in and sit down,” Blossom said. “Let me take a good look at you.” She ran her hands down Tess’s shoulders, then hugged her once again. “You look healthy, but more importantly, you look happy.”

 

“I am,” Tess said, a bright smile blooming. “I’m as happy as I’ve ever been.” She reached out and took Darcy’s hand. “Darcy’s the one, Mom. We’re going to tie the knot.”

 

“You’re getting married?” Blossom’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh, Tess, why do you want to do that?”

 

Darcy could have been knocked over with a feather. Of all the people in their lives, she expected nothing but support from Tess’s family.

 

“I know you don’t believe in marriage,” Tess soothed. “But I do.” She put her hands on her mom’s shoulders. “This isn’t a property exchange, Mom. This is about love. We want to be recognized as a committed couple.”

 

“It’s an institution that doesn’t mean a thing to me, but if that’s what you want, you know we’ll support you.” She turned and gazed at Darcy for a moment. “Do you want this too? Or has Tess talked you into it? She can talk anyone into anything, you know.”

 

“Yes, I do know that, but I’m really looking forward to being married.”

 

“Have it your way,” Blossom said. “But the last group I’d ask to bless my love was the state.” She moved into the living area, where a pair of sofas with bright print slipcovers sat. 

 

Tess lagged behind, giving Darcy a huge smile. She looked so happy to be home Darcy had to fight to not tear up. “It’s just a form someone signs, Mom.”

 

“Exactly,” she said as she took a seat. “So why bother?”

 

Tess sat next to her and grasped both of her mom’s hands. Looking into her eyes, she said, “We’re doing it partly to knock people out of their usual perceptions. Having a woman introduce another woman as her wife makes people stop and think. It’s subversive,” she added quietly.

 

“I suppose it is,” Blossom decided, looking much happier. “I suppose it is.”

 

***

 

Tess’s dad didn’t get home until well after dark. He looked like he’d been tromping through the woods all day, and when Darcy hugged him she smelled all sorts of pine and other kinds of earthy scents. “It’s great to meet you, Darcy,” he said.

 

“The same for me. Tess has told me so much about both of you, I feel like we already know each other.”

 

He gave her a smile very much like Tess’s, playful and sweet at the same time. “Some people think we’re all in a cycle that never stops. Eventually, we’ll meet each other again and again throughout the ages.”

 

“I’ve never considered that,” she said, briefly wondering if Tess believed they’d met many times.

 

Glen washed his hands, then they all sat at the big dining table and dug into a hearty lentil stew. “This is delicious,” Darcy said. “I love lentils.”

 

“Does Tessy ever cook for you?” Blossom asked.

 

Darcy caught the wide-eyed look Tess flashed her, fumbling, “Uhm…sure.”

 

“Are you vegan too?” Blossom asked.

 

“Vegan?” Darcy almost choked. Tess liked bacon and ham on a BLT. And she put butter on everything that could hold it. “Uhm, no, not really. But I can go quite a long time without eating meat.” Unlike your daughter!

 

“Glen and I have been vegetarians since the 60s, but we shifted to veganism when Tess was about ten.” She turned and smiled at her daughter. “You don’t miss meat, do you, honey?”

 

“Not a bit,” she replied, smiling that adorable smile. “I can honestly say I never miss meat.”

 

***

 

The next morning, Darcy sat at the dining table with Glen, trying to convince her nervous system that the herbal tea she was drinking would give her a caffeine boost. Either the lack of caffeine or talking about the hidden money was giving her a headache. 

 

Glen had carefully buried the boxes around the property, and proudly reported that he hadn’t written down the locations just in case anyone searched his house and found a map. “I know how to hide things,” he insisted. “I’ve been growing marijuana for thirty years and have never lost a plant to the feds. There’s not another guy around who can claim that.”

 

Trying not to gasp in shock, Darcy stuck to the point. “That makes an even stronger case for putting the money into safe deposit boxes. If the feds ever find you growing marijuana, they could seize the money, even though it didn’t come from selling drugs.”

 

“Don’t I know it. A guy not far from here lost his house, his truck…even his tools. The damn government robbed him blind for selling a few ounces of grass.”

 

“The RICO laws let them take anything that could possibly have been bought with drug money. They’d love nothing more than getting their hands on all that cash. They’d say you were the biggest dealer in Oregon.”

 

“That’s possible,” he agreed. “But putting it in a bank? There’s a long list of people I don’t trust, Darcy, and banks are in the top ten. Maybe the top five.”

 

“But a safe deposit box will keep the money dry and it won’t rot. It’s really damp around here, Glen. I’d hate to lose it to rot.”

 

“I know how to package things,” he insisted. “I’ve got a half pound of pot just a few hundred feet from the front door. Dry as a bone.”

 

Tess walked by and poured hot water from the kettle into a cup. Then she reached into her pocket and added a tea bag. She placed the cup in front of Darcy, murmured “caffeine,” then kissed her on the forehead. Moving to stand next to her father, Tess draped an arm around his shoulders. “Don’t give Darcy a hard time, Daddy. She has her heart set on putting the money into the bank. She’ll sleep better if she knows it’s nice and orderly. That’s just one of her quirks.”

 

He looked up at her and smiled, clearly as charmed by her as Darcy was. “All right, honey. If that’s what you two want, I’ll go start digging it up.”

 

Tess gave Darcy a wink, then went to a nook filled with shoes by the door. “If I can find a pair of boots that fit, I’ll help you.”

 

***

 

That night, Darcy helped Blossom with dinner. With Tess taking over the kitchen in their cottage, she hadn’t cooked in months and found she missed it. 

 

“Are you two safe here in America?” Blossom asked. “God knows I want to see my Tessy, but not if she’s in danger.”

 

“I think we’re good,” Darcy said. “The DA is confident they’ve gotten the ringleaders. They’ve arrested a lieutenant, two sergeants, a detective and a few patrol officers.”

 

“But there might be some they haven’t found yet.” Those piercing blue eyes made Darcy tell the unvarnished truth.

 

“Of course that’s possible. But I can’t think of any reason they’d have to come after us at this point. I wasn’t even called to testify at the first detective’s trial, and there’s no better way to show publicly that I didn’t know a thing about the police involvement.”

 

Blossom looked at her for a long time. “Keep her safe, Darcy. She means the world to us.”

 

“To me too, Blossom. She’s the most important person in my life, and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she’s safe and sound.”

 

“And happy,” Tess said as she emerged from their room. “She’s fantastic at keeping me happy.”

 

***

 

The next morning, dawn tried to peek through a dense stand of tall trees. This time Darcy was sure they were in a forest. The spot was so green, so full of life, she felt like she was breathing green air. But the earthy, wet scent that filled her lungs was also redolent of the cycle of life. Decaying leaves, moss, trees lying on their sides all spoke of the renewal that continually marched on amid the greenery. She’d spent very little time in forests, but Tess was bouncing around like she knew this one inside and out. “Chanterelles,” she called out. “Lots of them!”

 

Glen and Darcy walked through the soggy floor of the forest to inspect her find. It was a brisk morning, and very damp, thanks to the soaking rain they’d had the day before. She’d been charmed by both Tess and Glen watching the rain, both excited about the prospect of a good mushroom hunt when the weather cleared.

 

The sun snuck through to cast a few rays on Tess’s face, glowing with health. She looked so stunningly beautiful here, in the habitat she so clearly loved, that Darcy hated that they’d only planned on staying a few weeks. But Tess was determined to support them, and wanted to get moving on her plans. 

 

Darcy wasn’t at all sure she’d love traveling, but she was willing to give it a try. They’d have their cash for emergencies and for taking care of Blossom and Glen when and if they needed it, but Tess was dead-set on not relying on it, and Darcy truly admired her desire to work to support them.

 

Glen and Tess carefully picked some gorgeous mushrooms while Darcy watched. She’d removed too much of the first plant she’d tried, and was now skittish. 

 

“Where are you two headed next?” Glen asked.

 

“A week in New York, then we’re going to Germany,” Tess said. 

 

“Will you be near the Black Forest? This is a great time of the year for mushrooms.”

 

“We’re going to be on a boat for a couple of weeks, taking a cruise up the Danube. Then we’re going to do a tour of the Moselle wine region. But I’m sure we’ll have time to go foraging.”

 

“Are you able to take Darcy on the cruise? Or do you have to pay for her?”

 

“She’s my guest,” Tess said. “It took some conniving, but since it’s a romantic river cruise, I convinced the magazine I needed my romantic partner to get the right perspective.”

 

Glen finished placing his mushrooms in a sack he carried over his shoulder. “Not a bad life, I suppose. What do you think, Darcy? Are you a traveler?”

 

“Not in the least,” she admitted. “At least until I met Tess. But I didn’t miss home as much as I thought I would when we were in England. I think I can get the hang of being rootless.”

 

“And she’s the best editor in the entire world,” Tess said, beaming. “I’ll keep her busy.”

 

Darcy knew she wasn’t a great editor, but they’d begun to work together in England, building trust and learning each other’s sensitivities. She assumed they’d approach this next chapter of their lives in the same way. If working together didn’t pan out, they’d do something else. That’s what wives did for each other. They rolled with the punches and figured things out as they came up. Tess had already proven her skills in that area. Remarkably well.

 

Tess slipped an arm around Darcy’s waist, startling her. 

 

“Hey,” she said, smiling when she gazed at a few rays of sun lighting Tess’s beautiful face.

 

“I know we planned on just going to city hall to get married, but what do you say we do it here? I’d love to take your hands, at dawn, and promise to love you every day for the rest of my life.”

 

Tears sprang to Darcy’s eyes and she could do no more than smile. But Tess knew she was giving her a very enthusiastic response. They just didn’t need words to speak of the most important things. And committing her soul to Tess was the most important choice Darcy had ever made. Without question.

 

 

Two Years Later

 

Darcy sat in a plush chair on the top floor of a small hotel in Florence. A pair of chairs flanked a bookcase filled with local travel guides and a few Italian novels, giving the landing the look of a tiny library. The sun was shining down on her from the skylight, and she was very, very tempted to curl up in the big chair and take a nap. But she had work to do, and wanted to get it finished before Tess came home.

 

She thought she’d been busy when she’d worked as a CPA, but their travel blog was a day-long endeavor. Tess had the tougher job, having to write chatty, funny, interesting pieces every weekday. But Darcy handled all of the behind-the-scenes details, from searching out interesting places for them to visit, to keeping a detailed schedule, and, of course, doing their accounting and budgeting. 

 

They’d secured a few long-term sponsors, which provided them with a reliable living, but Darcy was always looking for a local venue, city or region that would chip in a few dollars to have them visit and write about their experiences. As Tess reminded her, that wasn’t journalism, but she didn’t seem to mind helping to publicize a place. But Darcy could easily read between the lines when Tess wasn’t crazy about a spot. She still had enough journalistic integrity to never lie—she just focused on the things she liked—even when those things weren’t what the venue wanted to push.

 

It was wonderful reading Tess’s real voice. Her dynamic personality came through in her blog posts in ways it never could when she was writing for magazines and travel guides. Not that she was above writing a piece for a guide. In just a few weeks they were going to Salzburg, where they’d be living the high life while Tess updated a very high-end guide. But Darcy much preferred their usual trips; very low-key, with modest accommodations and simple meals.

 

A groaning from the ground floor signaled Tess’s return. The door to the hotel must have been eleven feet tall, and weighed a few hundred pounds. The hinges protested every time someone entered, but after a while you barely noticed them. Tess’s light tread echoed up the staircase, then she stood on the landing, smiling that bewitching grin. “How’s my baby?”

 

“He’s great,” Darcy said quietly. “I put him down for his nap about ten minutes ago.”

 

“Not our baby,” she said, shaking a finger at Darcy. “My baby.”

 

Before Darcy could answer, her computer was whisked away, replaced by Tess straddling her. “My sweet, sweet baby.” She bent her head and kissed Darcy gently.

 

“I taste…sage,” Darcy said thoughtfully.

 

“Uh-huh. Sage and walnut butter ravioli. Fantastico!”

 

“We had a nice lunch, too. We went to the central market and bought carrots and crispy peas and a melon. Then we went to a piazza and ate while we listened to the bells ring. You know how DB loves a good bell.”

 

“I think I’ll write about your day rather than mine. The restaurant was supposed to be kid friendly but it really wasn’t. It was too formal, too quiet, and too expensive.”

 

“Then you should definitely write about my lunch. Our readers really seem to prefer the simplest, least expensive suggestions.”

 

“That’s our niche,” Tess agreed. “Cheap and cheerful.”

 

Darcy let a finger trail down Tess’s cheek. “You’re the most cheerful person I’ve ever met. It’s a good fit.”

 

Tess bent for another kiss. “We’ve probably got a free hour. Why don’t we do something fun?”

 

Darcy caught the gleam in her eye, but it was fun to act like she hadn’t. “We can’t leave the baby.” She took a look at their door. “Well, I guess we can leave for an hour or two. He can’t climb out of the crib…every day.”

 

“Did he escape again?”

 

“Uh-huh. I think he’s going to be a mountain climber. I Skyped with your mom earlier. She says to put a bell around his ankle. I just might.”

 

“She’s a very practical woman.” Another kiss, clearly meant to knock Darcy off the subject, was having its intended effect. “Let’s go make a baby.”

 

Darcy grabbed her nose and gave it a tweak. “Even if we could, you’re not getting me to budge on this. I won’t have two babies in diapers.”

 

“Then potty-train him,” Tess said, giggling. “The kid’s almost a year old.”

 

“That’s something we can do together. When he’s older. Until then, we’re going to have non-procreative sex.” She laughed. “You’ve got me believing we can reproduce all on our own.”

 

Tess’s eyes glittered in the sunlight that streamed down upon them. “Luckily, we can’t. But I like acting like we can. It charges me up.”

 

“You don’t need much encouragement,” Darcy teased. “Not that I’m complaining.”

 

“You’re also not complying.” Tess slid off her lap and extended a hand. “There’s a tiny shower in there with our name on it. Let’s give it a try.”

 

“I have a feeling this is going to result in some bruises,” Darcy warned, but went along when Tess tugged at her. They tiptoed to the crib, where Tess gazed down upon their sleeping boy. He was a beauty; dark hair and eyes with skin Darcy was sure would tan if she didn’t slather him in sunblock. But even though his coloring didn’t match his mother’s, his features did. Darcy could stare at him for hours, fascinated, as she tried to catch Tess’s smile on his expressive face. Genetics were very cool. 

 

“He’s really out,” Tess whispered. “Maybe we can have sex and a nap.” She met Darcy’s gaze. “That’s too much to hope for, isn’t it.”

 

“Probably. But we might get lucky. It’s happened…once,” she said, thoughtfully.

 

“Let’s get going,” Tess said, pulling Darcy towards the bath. “It’s been days.”

 

Darcy checked the lock on the front door, then scanned the room for hazards in case the baby got out of his crib again. She’d placed pillows on the floor to cushion a fall, but she was confident the baby monitor would alert her if he woke. As she pushed Tess into the bathroom, she started to undress her. They’d gotten the process down to a matter of seconds. Tess had confessed to performing mental foreplay to help the effort, fantasizing about sex for an hour or two before an opportunity—just to pare down the time it took to get busy. Darcy bent over as she pushed Tess’s panties to the floor. “You want another baby, yet you’re complaining we only have time for sex every few days.” As long as she was in the neighborhood, she flicked her tongue over Tess’s hard nipple. “How will we manage with a baby and a toddler? In hotel rooms, no less.”

 

“You manage this production. I have confidence you’ll figure something out.”

 

Tess returned the favor, undressing Darcy with brisk efficiency. 

 

“We’ll spend more time in America,” she decided, thinking of ways to have more time alone. “God knows we’ve got three grandparents and a great-uncle all itching to get their hands on DB.”

 

“What?” Tess asked vacantly as she palmed Darcy’s ass. “Were you talking? ’Cause I’m not listening. I’ve got just one thing on my mind, and that’s you.”

 

Darcy pulled her close for a long, sweet kiss. “Know what?”

 

“Talking again,” Tess said, bending to pull Darcy’s breast into her mouth.

 

Gazing down at the strawberry blonde head she loved, Darcy sucked in a breath. Tess could knock her off her feet in a matter of seconds. “The next time I kidnap a woman, she’s going to be just…like…you.”